Lemons: Day 1

I woke up this morning a little easier than other Mondays. The curiosity of smearing a lemon wedge in my pits must have helped me swing my feet to the floor a little quicker.** I showered and brushed my teeth, among other morning rituals (watching my neighbors across the way get ready, then when they spot me, act like I am just looking outside at the day’s weather). I then ambled to the kitchen to slice the appropriate amount of lemon for my pits (basically a lemon wedge you would find on your beverage at a bar/restaurant). As ‘natural’ as this experiment is, it felt completely unnatural to apply it… Pulp breaking free during application…. Weeding out the seeds… then finding out you didn’t weed them all out…. Then trying to pick them up off the floor like an asshole because you and I both know that’s impossible. What a nightmare. I slathered those poor wedges from damn near my elbow to below the nipple line. I stood in front of a full body mirror to ensure full coverage. I figured, I better cover some serious ground here, if it all goes to shit, hopefully the excess will negate some of the failure. I discarded what was left of the gnarled wedges with some seriously wet, lemony pits. I continued getting ready shirtless, hoping some of the juice would evaporate. I really wanted to avoid any towel dabbing, I was convinced I would need all the protection I could get. I mean, we’re talking about citrus here.  The clock left me no option, I was forced to towel the excess lemon juice out of my pits. I donned the usual v neck undershirt and oxford, tucked them into my underpants, and made my way downstairs to my bus stop. On the bus, I was already smelling myself. I don’t know if my nostrils were burnt out, but I couldn’t smell the lemon in my pits, it just didn’t smell like…. anything.  At the office, the smelling continued. Still nothing. Surely after lunch the lemon would start to waiver….. OK, definitely around quitting time…. Lets see what we have going on in there after dinner…. BEDTIME??? No smell at all. All day. No lemon smell. No smell at all. Totally neutral. No reapplication was applied, and I towel dabbed before I left the house. Behold the power of citrus! Day 1 was a major success, but there was no real physical activity. Tomorrow however, I have a sand volleyball game and a walk/run home… walk.

Please watch this funny lemon video.

**Not to say I don’t like Mondays or any other day of the week for that matter. I just want to be sure I am differentiating this comment from the mouth breathers who comment how many days away Friday is every day of the week. Every day should feel like a breeze on the ball bag. If it doesn’t to you, then shit in your own hat.